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Nov. 18th, 2005|11:12 pm: Took the kids to McDonald’s for breakfast this morning. I really need to get some groceries in the house next so we can stop going out to eat so often. I went by Staples and got a couple 5′ tables. A brown one for my office and a white one for the kids’ Legos. Also a bulletin board and a couple office trash cans and some envelopes. I love office supplies. It’s an addiction for me, going to an office supply store and just browsing the isles for hours. My house is completely empty, but I sure have a furnished office here! When I got busted for shoplifting at Walgreens in my Freshman year of high school, you know what I was stealing? Yep, office supplies. I also got a bed today! See, I was going to buy some used matresses from the newspaper and beg the people to deliver them for me since I didn’t have a truck. I’ve bought matresses from the paper before and I’ve taken used beds from people before. I never really saw an issue with that. But at some point, I mentioned this to Spessa, and I get a couple of emails from her that grossed me out enough to convince me to just go to a bed store and buy them new. Here’s some parts of the emails… Are you going to get one of those used beds with other people’s dust mites, mentrustation stains, and fecal flakes embedded within? Those are the best! Maybe you can get a whiskey smelling bed from a more dedicated drinker? Or one from a methamphetamine cook who spilled all kinds of toxic chemicals all over the bed. Oh wait, those kinds of people don’t fall asleep, do they? I try to be a really responsible bed owner, e.g. flip it over every six months and vacuum the mites out on a regular basis. I even Febreezed it a few weeks ago, after the most recent beer spilling incident. But I still wouldn’t want to buy it from someone else. Whenever someone donates a bed to goodwill or sells it via the classified ads, it’s usually because someone has peed or pooed on it on it. Why else would anyone get rid of a perfectly good bed? Just imagine the inside springs encursted with what was once liquid feces and/or crystilized urine flakes! Or perhaps an entire colony of scabies or crabs live within; like ten kajillion maggots hollowing out the insides of a rotting corpse. The mites themselves (Which all used mattresses have) don’t really bother you, but it’s rather the mite poop that people get all allergic to and stuff. So _BEST_ case scenario, your new used bed will just be chock full of mite shit, which as we all know from watching the Discovery channel is composed of other people’s nasty skin flakes. So go buy a brand new bad wrapped in plastic and then take a picture of it for us, so we can see just how influential we are! PS: We’ll never forgive you for making us sleep on that urine encrusted bed at your old house, damn you for not buying us a brand new tempurpedic mattress, made from the highest quality space age materials and invented by NASA. So I went to The Sleep Center and purchased two shiney new mattresses. The cheapest they had, almost. They were able to deliver them to my house just a couple of hours later. My nights of sleeping on the living room floor are over. Now I just have to get some beds for the kids. This evening I went to Home Depot and got some stuff to fix my phone jacks and some shelves for the office. Yes, more office stuff. I got the kind of shelves where you mount brackets to the wall, then you can adjust the shelves whenever you need to. I got them mounted already and they kick ass.
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One Response to “Mattresses”Leave a reply |
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Great. I’m currently laying on a hotel room matress and I just [i]had[/i] to read this post. Ugh.