(I didn’t write any of these. But I found them on the imdb message board and just had to steal the good ones. You’ll either understand them or you won’t.)

1: Chunk stole his uncles toupee

3: Mikey is “a good ki…er..person”

6: Chunk’s top score on Pole Position is 1632.

7: It’s “booby traps”, not “booty traps”.

8: Stay to the right!

10: It takes 376 lawn mowing jobs to earn enough cash for a new bike.

11: Always separate the drugs!

12: Astoria’s water system supplies enough pressure to launch people 8 feet into the air off of toilets!

13: God puts large rocks in place for a reason, and we shouldn’t move them.

17. If God meant to put it that way we’d all be pissing in our faces!

21. You can tell where Mikey’s been by looking at pipes.

26. Michael Jackson never used the bathroom at Chunk’s house but his sister did.

31. Brand’s bike is his most flattest thing in the world.

33. The only thing that is served at the Lighthouse Lounge is tongue.

34. Ma Fratelli always sides with Francis.

38. The only thing that is in Chunk’s attic is Hanukkah decorations.

42. Those aren’t candles.

44. HEY YOU GUYEEES.

45. Mouth really believed that a quarter would grant his wish, and turned to petty theivery when said quarter failed to do his bidding.

46. Kissing Andy heals respiratory problems.

49) Troy’s such a cheap guy.

51.) There will be no signing today..or any other day.

53.) Abnormally strong adults born with birth defects can become great by the power of The Baby Ruth.

54.) When all else fails, treat it like a MAD Magazine. It might work.

55.) If it doesn’t work we’ll all “B-flat”.

56.) Dancing octopi, although enigmatic, are cut for a reason.

57.) When tracking kids, look for size 5 footprints and smell for bubblegum.

58.) Pack extra batteries. Because they don’t last so long.

59.) Drug dealers wouldn’t be caught dead wearing polyester wags.

65) puree is the perfect setting on a blender to grind up a kids hand

71) Stef’s looks aren’t so bad, when her face isn’t screwing them up.

73) Pirates liked waterslides.

74) Andi is not Liberace ya know.

75) Goonies never say die.

76) It’s there time up there and it is our time down here.

77) Wearing red undies when sitting down to use the bathroom is possible.

79) A dead body in a garbage bag is probably just restaurant trash.

80) The zoo will sell chains to wanted fugitives.

84) There’s 50 more houses to tear down after the Walsh’s.

85) Precious cut gemstones are more important than marbles.

87) If Mr. Walsh gets his next 400 paychecks in 24 hours he can fix the housing situation for everyone.

88) If you push your sister down the stairs, blame it on the dog.

89) Saying you don’t wear a hair piece doesn’t make it true.

90) If you pig out at fat camp, you will get kicked out.

91) Water is wet ain’t it, so drink it.

92) It’s all over the second we ride up Troy’s bucket.

93) Detroit is the birthplace of Motown and has the highest murder rate in the US.

94) There are pictures available of Chunk’s mom naked taking a bath and they are real cheap.

95) Brand does not wear braces.

97) Mrs. Walsh is going to commit Harri Krishna!

98) Mississippi Mud and Chocolate Eruption are ice cream flavors.

99) Fifty Iranian terrorists took over all the Sizzler steakhouses in the city.

108. The longer prisoners bark, the colder their lunches get.

109. Rosalita is in a crazy house.

114. Brand’s going to hit Mikey so hard, his clothes are going to be out of style.

128. Our parents are off buying Pampers for us kids.

130. The water is not going down yet.

134. If Brand hadn’t failed his driver’s test, they all would be goin’ out in style, cruisin’ the coast, sniffin’ some lace, downin’ some brews.

138. When translating Spanish, it is necessary to speak with an Old English accent.

140. Sixty and another forty is an even one hundred.

144. Chunks got it, he’s got it…he don’t got it…

145. It could have been a tremor.

146. Matzo Balls are comparable in size to bullet holes.

147. When watching a car chase, don’t press your Strawberry shake to a window.

152. When confronted with a murderous kidnapper, recite the Torah.

155. Frozen pizza is worth shooting someone over.

156. Brand hopes his house is turned into a sand trap.

159. No pen, No sign!!

163 - Chunk can smell ice cream

167. If all else fails…slick shoes!

170. Take any treasure you like but always leave Willy his share.

178. Bats carry rabies.

180. Trust in your old mother, boys!

199. If you do a bad job, you’ll be locked in the attic with the cockroaches for two weeks without food and water

213. The cops don’t care if you dump 3 or 4 gallons of gas outside the police station.

216. Mouse-trap is not only a kick-ass game, but a great way to open the gate.

217. You wanna scare the crap out of a girl? Stick a fish-head on a rake!

224. When depressed, often the best remedy is Ready-Whip straight out of the can.

226. When writing a pirate message in Spanish, always make sure it rhymes in English

245. If you bang on water pipes, water fountains can be lethal.

246. Police are afraid to jump over 3 foot flames.

251. There are no other houses to buy in Astoria if yours is foreclosed upon in order to build a golf course.

252. The price of fixing Sloth’s teeth is the same as a toupee.

253. Rosalita tends to search through the pockets of other people’s jackets.

257. Oregon contains a complex array of subterranean mazes that have went undiscovered for hundreds of years until a group of 12 year olds just happen to stumble upon them.

260. Booby traps hundreds of years old always work as intended.

261. If this is triple stones, then THIS must be copper bones.

272. It’s OK to borrow a small Asian Girl’s bike as long as you say, “I owe you one.”

273. Chickens lay eggs at the moment they are startled by popping balloons.

274. Air displaced by bats flying has the power to blow fireplace grates aloft.

292. You should always have an in depth conversation with a Pirates skeleton before taking his long lost booty.

321. The Hardy Boys put treasure in one tunnel and hid in another.

Obviously I skipped the boring ones. But if you want to read them all, they’re here:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089218/board/flat/89419998?p=1