As a kid I was dragged to church twice every Sunday, including Sunday school. Then many times even on Wednesday. My mother always brought a purse full of crap for me to do while I was there. When I was very young, we occasionally got coloring books and could bring Hotwheel cars. Eventually it all evolved into a few basics to keep me busy - a blank pad of paper, pens, a calculator and an unlimited supply of Juicy Fruit. I think in my later years of church I started bringing books to read. But then my mother banned that once I started getting into Stephen King books. I even brought the books to Sunday school and hid them inside my Bible, reading throughout the class. Looking back, I doubt that was actually fooling the teacher.

But if my parents were so insistant on me going to church, what was the point of bringing me lots of stuff designed to keep my mind busy during the entire thing? I don’t think I actually remember one single sermon or Sunday school lesson from my childhood. I definitely can’t quote any bible scriptures. I do remember all of the songs and how much I hated them. The music service was impressive, with a complete drum set, 3 or 4 electric guitars, piano, etc. But that didn’t change the facts that the songs all sucked and I had to listen to all of the basic same songs for 16 years straight. I don’t care how good a song is - you’re going to hate it after listening to it regularly after 16 years.

Around age 14, I started really getting into church. I went every chance I got, went to Sunday school even when my parents didn’t. I even went on Wednesdays and then to all the after church dinners at Golden Coral. The pastor noticed, I guess, and took me into his office. He had me fill out some kind of forms, applying for official membership of the church and at some point the pastor had me in front of the church, presenting me with something about being an official member. Eventually I even got baptised. The punchline? I didn’t give a shit about the church or anything. I just liked some girl there and wanted to hang out with her as often as possible.

What really sucked as a kid was having Christmas morning fall on Sundays. You wake up, get all these great toys and then you don’t even have time to play with them because you HAVE TO GET READY FOR CHURCH. That was the worst. I managed to quit church forever immediately after turning 16. I got a job and for the next 2 years, instructed my manager to make me work pretty much every Sunday, preferably from open until closing.