RBCP'S BIG STUPID HOMEPAGE

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Oct 08

Weird people at my door

Last night I got to bed around 3am. This morning, a Saturday, my doorbell rings at 8am. Ugh. I jump up and open the window to see a lady standing there, so I quickly get dressed and run downstairs to see who it is. She’s maybe 50 years old and asks me if some lady lives here. I tell her no, I’ve never heard of that person. Then she asks if I can call a cab for her. Doing an amazing job at being nice since she just woke me up at 8am on a Saturday, I tell her, “Sure, let me go grab my phone.” Before I can shut the door, she asks, “Is that your blanket?” looking at a folded green blanket sitting on one of my outdoor chairs. I’ve never seen the blanket before, but I’m not surprised because weird stuff is always showing up outside my house.

I tell her no and run back upstairs for my cell phone. I make the call for her, we say our goodbyes and she walks to the business next door. At this point going back to sleep is impossible. Once I’m up, I rarely go back to sleep, so I’ve been quietly hating that lady today as I drink Pepsi to stay awake.

The only reason I’m posting this boring story is because a few hours later, as me and the kids left the house to go to lunch, the blanket is gone. I guess the lady came back and took it. I was too asleep this morning to even wonder why she would ask me if a blanket sitting in my chair was mine. Why would she ask me that? It makes no sense. She knew something about this blanket that I didn’t! I told the kids about it as we walked to lunch and we concluded that the old lady was actually a ghost.

A couple days earlier, in the afternoon, the doorbell rang and I went downstairs to answer it. To get to the door, I have to walk down two flights of stairs and across the house, but I don’t think it really takes me that long to get there. I wasn’t fast enough for these old church people, though, because they were nearly out of the driveway by the time I opened the door. I stood there and watched them as they climbed into their car. When the man looked up and saw me, he waved so I slammed the door and went back upstairs.

Five minutes later, they come back and ring the bell again. Five minutes! What were they doing for five minutes? I sure don’t know. I opened the attic window, leaned out and yelled, “Hey, stop ringing my doorbell and running away!” Both of them looked around in confusion, but didn’t look up and see me. I yelled at them “Satan rules!” and the old lady gave an irritated “Okay” and began walking away. I felt bad so I yelled “I love you!” before shutting the window.

Last year, kids items started showing up on the table by my chairs. One day it was a purple stuffed dragon. About a week later a pair of shoes and toy gun was out there. I left the stuff out there for more than a week, hoping whoever mistakingly brought them by would come back and take them. I ended up giving the dragon to Emily and the shoes to Goodwill. I’m pretty sure a homeless man stole the gun. A neighbor of mine yelled at a homeless man one day because he was at their door, stealing cigarette butts from the ashtray. That’s the day that the gun was missing. This was one of those old toy guns made out of metal and could possibly be mistaken for a real gun since there was no giant orange tip on it. So if a 7-Eleven gets robbed by a homeless person, it might be my fault.

The last weird thing at my door was a sandwich in a ziplock bag, along with an unsigned note telling me that if I didn’t post a picture of myself eating it on Facebook, they would kill my children. This was last week and I’m pretty sure it was a drunken Lisa (friend of mine) and her sister leaving it. I threw it away without eating it and so far my kids are still alive.

10 comments

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  1. Timpani

    Why would you do that to your children? WWWWWHHHHHYYYYY????? That sounds even worse than all the e-mails that get forwarded from seemingly nice people warning me of the doom that will happen if I don’t pass it along. It’s like wishing someone bad luck

    Also, why are you even answering your door for these people? If it is really important, they will call first, otherwise they are: salespeople, religiouspeople, or idiots ;)

  2. Renae

    I think we should make up some really annoying email full of all kinds of horrible things that will befall her family ranging from hangnails to ax wielding poltergeists, if she does not forward it to everyone in her mail box, and do several other self abasing things like give head a toilet swirly. It’d be fun to see just how many horrible things we could get her to do to avoid bad luck.

    I probably would have thrown the sandwich away too. Or who knows, I might have pretended to eat it for a FB picture, just for a laugh.

    This is turning into a really long comment, but I thought of you the other day. I REALLY ticked off a lady on FB the other day. A friend of mine is a model, some designer used a picture of my friend, wearing a swimsuit that she had designed, to grace the front of her business card. Mindy posted a picture of the card, and of course tagged the designer in it. This swimsuit was a white two piece thing, or it might have been a one piece with a big cut out in the middle, I couldn’t really tell from the way she was standing, but I swear the bottom half looked just like an adult diaper. So I left a comment asking if she were advertising for Depends, not really thinking about it being tagged and all. Well the designer chick commented back in a big way and ripped me up one side and down the other, telling me just what a huge jerk I was for giving her bad publicity, and how she worked really hard on her designs and how DARE I make such rude comments when she was tagged there. I apologized and removed the comment, because I didn’t mean to give her bad publicity or anything. But I really wanted to reply with something like “Don’t feel bad, I’m sure it is completely undetectable under your clothes, and I’m sure that women can laugh and maybe even sneeze without fear of embarrassment when they wear that swimsuit. My only concern would be if it puffed up really huge when you get in the water.” But I’m either too nice or too big of a wuss to actually say anything like that to her face. I thought you might have though. (I hope you don’t take offense at that. I think you are right funny!)

  3. Renae

    I meant to say “give HER own head a toilet swirly”

  4. Brad

    Haha, Renae, that’s so awesome. Don’t suppose you have a link to the model wearing an adult diaper? I promise I won’t comment on it!

    Timpani, yesterday morning when I looked out the window at the old lady I swear she looked just like someone I know. As I was running down the stairs, I was wondering why this person I know would be visiting me at all, let alone this early on a Saturday. Then it’s just some weird old lady. See, she’s a ghost and was messing with my mind!

  5. Timpani

    Renae- I seriously want to see this picture now! That’s too funny ;)

    Brad- Dangit! I hate it when ghosts mess with my mind. Now you know that when someone is knocking on the door at 8am on a Saturday that they are not a person though. Seriously, don’t give in to the ghosts and their wicked mind games.

  6. Renae

    http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/kelley.miller2

    Ha ha! There you go!

  7. Timpani

    LOL- They do like depends! That designer needs to grow some thicker skin, or possibly grow a sense of humor if that’s possible ;)

  8. Brad

    Wow, I don’t blame you for commenting, Renae! Even those weird swimsuits that women wore 100 years ago looked nicer than that.

  9. John

    definately Depends!

  10. Lisa

    Sorry no sandwich from me, but the Depends I’m sure you got by now…..that was me :)

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